I read this amazing blog the other day about this woman who was preyed upon by her high school teacher. She was fat as a child and grew up being a closet eater. She was sent to fat camp when she was 13 and lost a bunch of weight. When she entered high school at 14, she was tall and lean but had NO self-confidence. Her new teacher asked her how she was and when she replied, “I’m fine” he said, “Why, yes, you are”. Ugh. I literally got shivers down my spine when I read that. Being only 14 she didn’t quiet realize what was going on but she knew she liked the attention. Anyway, I’ll post a link to her story here so you can read it yourself if you like, but I bring this up because everyone has their own demons, and what we choose to do with those demons, may ultimately determine where we go in our lives.
The lady in the blog talked about her food addiction that later led to alcohol, drugs, and promiscuity. She talked about how eating made her feel ashamed of herself. I sort of struggle with this in my life now. I feel like people judge me more after I had the surgery because there is such a strict diet to follow. I feel like people watch me while I eat and judge what I put in my mouth. Like, God forbid I want that one bite of donut or 1oz of French fries. I know people aren’t actually watching me but all it takes is one comment from a co-worker, “whenever I look at you, you’re eating something different” and BAM, all eyes are on Linda.
I sort of remember being a bit of a closet eater when I was a kid. I am very lucky that I was always treated very well by my parents, I never suffered from any type of abuse, and I had a rather “normal” childhood. I do however, always remember being ashamed of my body. My body was never good enough. I always had to work at losing weight and I was ashamed of the food I put into my mouth. I would take a hotdog bun and smother it in delicious BBQ sauce but I would hide behind the counter to eat it because I knew my mom didn’t like me eating stuff like that. The whole idea of wanting to eat what I knew was bad for me made me ashamed and put me “in the closet”. Its weird to think I may have shamed myself rather then someone else shaming me.
I don’t specifically recall being picked on too badly about my weight when I was a kid. I was always really friendly and had an easy time getting along with other people. I do remember one occasion, while I was running across the street, my DD boobs were bouncing frantically and this guy goes, “BabaBOOM babBOOM” as I ran. I can only assume he was talking about the ladies and not my fat thrusting up and down. I really don’t remember any other times I was picked on for my weight.
Anyway, I get off track. My point is, you don’t know what peoples inner-demons are. The blogger lady was picked on about her weight and kids at her school said MEAN things. If you don’t deal with that ish, it can really eff you up. Low self-esteem was her trigger. What are your triggers and inner-demons? Do you eat when you’re happy? Do you eat when you’re sad? Do you eat just to eat? That’s my thing…I eat to eat. I love the taste of food and I actually get sad if I cannot eat the foods that I want. The pure satisfaction of putting something yummy in your mouth is an addiction all in itself. What do we do when we celebrate something? We go out to eat!!! What happens when something bad happens? You eat ice-cream, cry, and watch Glee until you feel better. Food is there for you. It doesn’t judge you…it doesn’t make fun of you. It calls your name! “Linda….come here Linda honey. Come over here and eat me!” Ok delicious cupcake…I’ll eat you.
I think that a majority of us have inner-demons that lead to triggers that may lead to an unhealthy behavior. Not everyone’s unhealthy behavior is eating but clearly, I’m going to write about over-eating. The lady in the blog finally got a chance to confront her high school teacher and telling him off helped close a chapter in her life. She attends AA meetings and goes to support groups for her other unhealthy behaviors. I truly think writing this blog is my AA…my Food Anonymous as I have mentioned before. Talking about what makes me want to eat helps me with my fat on the inside mentality. As I’ve said before, food will always be an addiction for me. They say, “once an addict, always an addict” but at least I can face that and be in recovery. I don’t need to be ashamed of what I eat. I need to take control of my word-hole and the food I decide to put in to it. Each day is a new beginning and I need to choose to make good food decisions. Go away delicious cupcake. I don’t need you today.