Wisconsin: Come for the hockey, stay because you’re drunk

I went to Wisconsin this past weekend to visit my family. My sister lives in this tiny town near Green Bay.  I don’t even mention the name of the town because I promise you’ve never heard of it.  What is it about Wisconsin and my family that makes me lose my shit and go crazy?  Its like I’ve been deprived of all of the things from my childhood and I need to consume as much as I can in 1 ½ days.

Yoder Pies:

My husband and I stopped at a gas station in Shawano (pronounced Shaw-no) because I had to pee. When I came out of the ladies room, my husband was eyeing up these hand pies that were wrapped up in wax paper labeled apple, blueberry, strawberry, or simply just berry.  “Do you want to share a pie?” Well, um, duh.  So we get up to the register and the lady goes, “just one Yoder pie?” HA! Yoder. We get out to the car and take a bite of the Yoder pie.  Oh my damn was this apple hand pie delicious!  Fast-forward 2 hours and my husband was in the bathroom with the worst shits of his life and I had some sort of burning sensation in my throat for the rest of the evening.  Of course we spent the rest of the night damning the Yoder pie.  Mr. Yoder all of a sudden became “Jakob” because obviously Jakob Yoder flows so well.  I imagine him to look like the weird neighbor kid from The Burbs .yoderpie  “God damn Jakob Yoder”.  That’s what we get for eating an apple hand pie packaged in nothing but wax paper from a Wisconsin gas station.



I’ve never been a big drinker.  My surgeon told me no alcohol for the first year and to limit my alcohol after that.  Bypass patients are typically addicts and we tend to change our food addiction to a different addiction such as gambling or alcohol.  I cannot drink beer or anything mixed with soda because literally one sip of anything carbonated will put me in a world of hurt.  Imagine Charlie in the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory with all the burping.bubble room  Anyway, I opened a bottle of wine and split it between three mason jars because, Wisconsin.  Between the three of us we had 5 bottles of wine Friday and Saturday night.  Nothing like drinking ALL of my calories.  Ugh.  There are roughly 125 calories in one 5oz glass of Moscato.  God knows I had WAY more than 5oz.  A standard bottle (750ml) of wine has 25oz so if three of us equally shared 5 bottles that means I had 41oz of wine and a total of 1,041 calories of JUST liquid.

Portesi Cheese Fries:

portesiMy hometown, Stevens Point, is the home of Portesi cheese fries. If you’ve never had the pleasure of having a cheese frie, then I am truly very sorry that you may die without your life being complete.  When we drink we need to nosh.  Its bad enough that I fight with the urge to snack nearly every single hour of every single day but throw alcohol into the mix and it makes it 100% worse.  We got home from a hockey game at around 10pm and what else should you do besides eat delicious greasy cheese fries.  Mom set out a thin crust and a thick crust and we went to town.  I can honestly say I managed to only eat 1 small piece and ignore the rest of the glorious golden cheese calling my name.

I almost forgot the piece de resistance: Blueberry old fashion donuts from Kwik Trip . Oh My God. I don’t have a photo of this and for that I apologize but just imagine it is as amazing as it sounds.  I could only have a bite because the sugar might have killed me but it was worth it.

So what is it about being back home that makes me want to eat EVERYTHING? Is it my family?  They don’t force me to eat but they certainly don’t stop me.  Should they stop me?  My co-worker today said that my husband is just as responsible for my diet as I am.  Do I believe that?  It would make it easier if we ate exactly the same thing.  There is something about being around my family that makes me want to celebrate and how do we celebrate? With food! A family that eats together stays together.  I think we need to find a different motto for our Easter get-together.  I would love if I lived closer to my family so we could get together more often but I’m afraid I wouldn’t have the self control to not eat like an asshole when I’m around them.  I know its hard for my sister too. She woke up Sunday morning and said her face felt fat.  Girl, I know the feeling…the feeling that you consumed so much salt you could lay ON TOP of a pool of water. I spent all of Monday on the toilet, my body trying to rid itself of all of the yoder pie, Moscato, and cheese. I hope I’m not alone in this one folks cuz I really don’t know what to do.  JUST SAY NO! OOH look! A donut!mmm-donuts







4 thoughts on “Wisconsin: Come for the hockey, stay because you’re drunk

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