I have to admit, being fat has some amazing advantages. Now, don’t get me wrong, I certainly enjoy my new body and God knows I am more healthy but there are still some things I miss about the good ‘ol days of “chubby Linda” as my husband likes to call her.
Being able to eat whatever I wanted
This is both a good thing and a bad thing but I’m being nostalgic so… I loved nothing more than shoving my fat face full of delicious food whenever I wanted and not thinking twice about it. It was a common occurrence to eat so much food I would have to lay down. I *tried* to be careful about what I ate but at the end of the day, my thought process was, “I’m already fat, what does it matter if I eat three more cupcakes right now?”. Post surgery, I yearn to eat three cupcakes. I WANT to eat three cupcakes but I know it will make me sick and I’ll probably poop my pants so I avoid them.
When I was 23 I had breast reduction surgery and I went from a DD to a C. I loved that I could “jog” (for like 5 seconds) and my boobs wouldn’t thrust up and down and rip my chest off. Now, I want to go back in time and kick my ass. I don’t need to wear a bra anymore. I’m sure some of you are like, “what are you bitching about you crazy nut job?” but honestly, I am flat chested. I dont wear a “normal” bra because there is nothing there to hold the bra down so it just slides up my chest. I wear this little pull-over thing from Victoria Secret simply for the padding. I’ve seriously toyed with the idea of starting a GoFundMe because a co-worker told me about how perfect strangers donated to her friend so she could eat while on vacation! For reals. I am the captain of the itty-bitty-titty-committee.
My fat flap
My sister and I use to talk about our fat flap. Some of you may refer to this as your FUPA or Gunt (I hate that word and it gives me the shivers just typing it). Its that large flab of fat that hangs over your pelvic area. This is the place I would put my shirt when I went to the bathroom. Let me explain: I would lift my shirt up around my waste to go pee and I would pull the shirt around and tuck it between the fat flap and my thigh. Where in the hell do skinny girls put their shirts so they don’t pee on them???
Booty and hips
Now I know that I can do squats and lunges in order to firm up my backside but I didn’t have to worry about this when I was chubby Linda. I tried carrying a laundry basket this weekend and I put it where my hip use to be and it just slid down my body. My jeans are held up by a belt and a prayer each day. Do you know how much arm strength it takes to hold up a baby when you don’t have a hip to rest them on? You know when people draw stick figures? Those are actually pictures of me. The big bonus I got out of this surgery was that beloved thigh gap all the girls yearn for, but that just causes an issue when I’m in the bathroom playing with my phone. What happens when I drop my phone? Thunder and Lightning aren’t there anymore to clamp together and save my phone from dropping into the toilet.
That damn Linda. She wasn’t happy when she was fat and she’s not happy now that she’s skinny. There’s just no pleasing her! Why cant she just be happy with what she’s got? Calm down there killer! I am happy. I’m very happy and I always have been happy its just that it is very hard to be happy with what you have at the moment. I think that is just an issue with society as a whole and I promise I am working on it. Until then, I’m going to reminisce about chubby Linda eating pie and carrying a load of laundry on her luscious hips.